The purpose of education is to make friends your own age, isn't it?

When a school raises concerns about a gifted child’s ability to socialise with others of the same age, parents could be mistaken for thinking that the purpose of education is to make friends your own age.

When social issues, in the guise of a child not being seen to interact well with others of the same age, are given as a reason not to accelerate a child one might be led to think that the purpose of going to school is social rather than provide a child with the chance to learn something new.

Adults are well aware that their social circle is not exclusive to others of the same age and yet in the school setting it is not uncommon to come across an expectation that all children the same age should get along. After all they are the same age. Unfortunately this way of thinking also assumes that all children are the same, that they all have the same interests and all learn the same way, at the same pace. It is tempting and convenient stance, but unfortunately does not reflect real life.

It is a myth that all gifted children have poor social skills. Research with populations of gifted children has shown that generally their social skills are better than average however when they are restricted to same age children for social interactions, gifted children may not have the opportunity to continue to continue to grow socially and their social skills may not ‘mature’ as they do. After all it is not possible to learn something from someone who doesn’t yet know (or demonstrate) it.

Friendship is a key element of the school experience for gifted children, just as it is for any child. However, what gifted children look for in friends is often quite different to others their age. International studies have found that children’s conception of friendship develops in stages and that they move through them sequentially. Miraca Gross in a study of 700 children found that what children look for in friends is determined by mental age much more so than by chronological age and that gifted children were substantially further along the sequence of stages than their same age peers of average ability.

Linda Silverman makes a telling statement about the role of friendship in the school experience for gifted children in her book  Counseling the Gifted and Talented

"When gifted children are asked what they most desire, the answer is often 'a friend'. The children's experience of school is completely colored by the presence or absence of relationships with peers." p 72

The purpose of education may, amongst other things, be to make friends. But for gifted children, these friends are unlikely to be children of the same age, unless they too are gifted.

If you are interested to read more on friendship and gifted children you might like:
Play Partner or Sure Shelter: What gifted children look for in friendship
Friendship Patterns in Highly Intelligent Children
Being Me and Fitting In The Dilemma of Differentness